my phone needs a breathalizer
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm both gender and math confused
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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