Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
