drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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