oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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