Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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