I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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