im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
