I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
