he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
