she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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