I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
