She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
