I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
