cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
