Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
