My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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