my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
