I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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