About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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