I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd cum for enchiladas.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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