I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
