i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
