how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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