theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
