I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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