I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
