A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i think i just lost a toe
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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