did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
