Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
