Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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