Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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