i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Mom said you looked used
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
