I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
