At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
