somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just had sex bonerless
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
