sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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