When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need to calm my uterus...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
