i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
