I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
