Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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