she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
