My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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