I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
