dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
