So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
