I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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