Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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