It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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