Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
