My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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