I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Less talking, more tequila
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
