the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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