If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
