Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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